Deborah Anapol "Polyamory in the 21st century"

The form of the consious relationship is not so important. The form can change at any time. What counts is allowing love to dictate the form rather than attempting to force love into whatever mold the mind has decided is right. Polyamory is less about how many people you're having sex with. feeling love for, or both than it is about allowing love (not lust) to lead us into whatever form is appropriate.

That monogamy which is freely and consiously chosen, is a totally different affair from monogamy, which is demanded as a condition for love or enforced by legal codes, religious structures, financial considerations, or social pressure.

I <the aurhor> am fairly certain that only those who have first allowed themselves the freedom to explore a variety of sexual and intimate relationships are capable of completely embracing monogamy in a sustainable and responsible way.

As the twenty-first century rolls on, it's increasingly apparent that lifelong monogamy is more myth than actuality and that nuclear family is an endangered species.

The reality is that humans are not naturally monogamous. If we were, we would mate once, for life, and never for a moment consider doing anything else.

Testosterone can "kickstart the two love neurotransmitters while an orgasm can elevate the attachment hormone", according to Dr. Helen Fisher, american psychiatrist. "Don't copulate with people you don't want to fall in love with", she warns.

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In context of jealousy:

Within spiritual partnership, mutual spiritual growth takes precedence over comfort and security and total honestly becomes part of the bond. Spiritual partners are committed to a personal growth dynamic, even if it is not "comfortable and secure".

...Although her (his) decision may have bruised my ego, becoming peaceful despite that bruise is part of my own personal growth process. If poly is a spiritual path, my ego is less involved when personal and spiritual growth remain paramount. This makes it easier to let go of jealousy and allow compersion to counter fear, which results in less drama.

The possessive behaviours and the idea that one person could control the behaviour of another because of the concept of marriage is just another form of slavery, one person owning another. Jealousy is primarily based on fear.

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Plenty of people use multipartner relating as a strategy to avoid attachment (some even recommend  this), but in my experience, attachment is a powerful force that can override any mental argument or situational defense. Many people hope to find greater stability, depth, and personal groeth in their intimate relating by choosing polyamory, while others seek the same qualities in monogamy.

The bottom line is that, whether we want or not, all relationships are dynamic by nature, and any effort to avoid this reality is doomed to failure.

Probably, whether polyamory or monogamy does more to stabilize a relationship depends on the individuals invloved and their life experience. When two or more people are well matched, opening their relationship usually makes it stronger.

... In the new paradigm <of relationship - polyamory> a higher value is placed on being totally honest or transparent toward the goal of creating more authentic and growth-producing relationships. In the old dominator paradigm, pain and fear of punishment are the primary motivators. In the new paradigm of partnership, pleasure is a core value.

Fidelity doesn't require monogamy, but it does require that we be honest with each other and honor each other's feelings. Monogamy can easily be used to shield spouses from their real feelings, fears, and yearnings and so prevent growth in a relationship.

Both polyamory and monogamy are morally neutral. Morality is a matter of how we conduct ourselves within our chosen lifestyle rather than adhering to any particular form.

It takes plenty of self-confidence to be willing to share your lovers with others, secure in the knowledge that you won't be found lacking in some essential quality. High self-esteem makes it possible to face the unknown without excessive fears. It transforms problems into challenges that can be met with courage, persistence, and creativity. People who've developed a confident awareness that they're capable of riding out whatever life brings their way are more open to surrendering to the flow of love.

One of the best gifts a person can give him- or herself is the permission to authentically be who he or she is. Permission to be who you are doesn't mean giving yourself license to do anything at all, as people sometimes fear. Ratherm it's a way to become more conscious about what you want and why and so become better equipped to find a balance between pleasing only yourself and pleaseng everyone but yourself.

I use polyamory to describe the whole range of lovestyles which arise from an understanding that love can not be forced to flow, or not flow, in any particular direction. Love which is allowed to expand often grows to include a number of people. But to me, polyamory has more to do with an internal attitude of letting love evolve without expectations and demands than it does with the number of partners involved.

Scientific experiments showed that in animals, pleasure and violence have a reciprocal relationship. The presence of one inhibits the other. In other words, when the brain´s pleasure circuits are "on", the violence circuits are "off" and vice versa.
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