kds2108 (kds2108) wrote,
kds2108
kds2108

about escaping and shame

While reading the book "Disappearing Persons: Shame and Appearance", one guess came into my head regarding my extreme closeness when it concerns demonstartion of depressive statements to others. I always prefer to pass it alone, with noone around seeing me crying or just being so down. When they ask me how I am and what happened, always my answer is "ok", "nothing, everything is ok". So my guess is that it's because of a shame of showing me real. I am quite depressive person, its true, but probably unconsiously I am ashamed of it? In our world noone likes to have sad people around. Permanent happiness, joy and positivity - that is what they expect from you. These are basic rules of our contemporary society. No matter if consiously I try to find my own way and fight against such mental statements. Unconsiously I can't resist this pressure and in fact desperately escape from anyone's vision every time I feel very down. Because why? It's not just a shame to show me real. It's a fear to be rejected because of who I am. Though I consider myself a person who are not afraid of being alone and actually feeling better with no attachments. But maybe it's kind of preventive way of behaving/thinking? If I am self-sufficient, if I am alone, if I never complain, so noone can reject me? While trying to get rid of fears of mine, maybe I still keep the basic and the strongest one of them inside? Interesting subject to think about.
Tags: thoughts
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